not a post about how I feel

[mamajoan]

I have so many feelings that I have wanted to post about lately, but just don't have the time.

I want to write about how totally in love I am with Ruthie, how happy she makes me, and the vague sense of guilt this causes because I don't remember feeling this way about Isaac until much later in his life.

I want to write about what a good baby Ruthie is and how much I'm enjoying my time alone with her.

I want to write about how it breaks my heart to know that I have to go back to work in just three short little weeks and put Ruthie in daycare.

I want to write about how worried/guilty I feel over the fact that Ruthie hasn't had almost any "practice" with bottles of breastmilk, and has barely been away from me for more than an hour at time, like, twice in her life -- and thus that in three weeks she's going to have to go directly from 24-7 togetherness with me, to 8 hours with strangers in a strange location. (I am thinking of ways to ease this transition for her -- but so far have not found a way to ease the guilt for me.)

I want to write about the vague sense of guilt over how unhappy I am to return to work and leave Ruthie, whereas with Isaac, by the time I returned to work, I couldn't wait to do so. (But there are many factors contributing to that, which have little to do with how good or bad a mom I am or was to Isaac; but again, knowing that does nothing for the guilt.)

I want to write about the feeling that both Ruth and Isaac are getting short shrift from me when we're all together, and that I'm a better mom to each of them when the other isn't around.

But I don't have time to write about any of that, so instead I'll just say that I want to write about it, and the rest is left as an exercise for the reader.

And meanwhile, here are some pix.

The other day Isaac was napping and I realized it's been ages since I managed to get a picture of him asleep.



Here are a couple nice shots of the three of us, taken a few weeks ago at the baby shower for sandykidd and metafrantic.





I have quite the backlog of Ruthie pix! The following were all taken to show off outfits that she was given by various friends. When people give me clothes, I try to get pictures of the kid wearing those clothes, to send to the giver.









These ones were taken because I couldn't believe that she's almost too big for her bassinet already. (Plus, it gives you somewhat of an idea of how pudgy she has gotten. Check out the thigh and neck fat rolls! :) )





whee...and now I'm just killin' time till metafrantic calls to tell me to come to the hospital and see my niece or nephew be born! :D

Comments

[discreet.livejournal.com]

Oh my goodness, I cant believe how big Ruthie is getting!

[mamajoan.livejournal.com]

I know, she's totally chunky :)

Dude, don't feel bad. I also enjoyed hanging out with Ruth

[plaidder.livejournal.com]

in a quite different way from which it was possible to enjoy hanging out with Isaac at that age. That's just human nature. The best mother in the entire universe still wouldn't be suffused with joy and wonder on the seventh day of being up 23 hours out of 24 trying to figure out how to get her kid to sleep.

You love them both, you love them differently, they're different people, that's the way it is. It's OK.

The Plaid Adder

[sydb42.livejournal.com]

I bonded a lot more quickly with my second child as well. For me, there were several factors that I think contributed to this. My firstborn ended up in the NICU for a week, so I couldn't be with her 24/7. There was the guilt of having to leave her there every night, and the anxiousness to bring her home so we could just be. I was a new mom, so I wasn't sure I knew what I was doing, both with general care and also specifically with breastfeeding and, since she'd been in the hospital, I'd gotten used to having "staff" around to ask my silly worry questions, so I was really anxious trying to figure out if every sound was the pre-cursor to her death. :P With my second born, she had no complications, she could room in with me at the hospital so we could bond right away without much interference, I was an experienced mom so breastfeeding wasn't stressful and handling a newborn wasn't stressful, so I was a lot more relaxed with her, making it easier to just be with her, rather than worrying about every little thing.

I know of at least one other mom of a baby that had to stay in the NICU that felt like she bonded a lot more quickly and more thoroughly with the second child. I wonder if parents whose children were born without the complications from the start had the same bonding experiences, or if they were also able to bond closely and immediately with their first?

[velcroswench.livejournal.com]

A) your children are gorgeous
B) you are such a good mom. :)

[bodacia.livejournal.com]

It's been awhile, so I thought I'd pop in and see how things are going. What great photos! Ruthie is a total doll...just like her brother. :)

Congratulations, Joan. :)