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mamajoanI am posting this because a few people have been asking questions, and there are a lot of new folks reading my journal who don't know all of this stuff, so I thought I'd pull it all together into one post. I'm also going to make this my new userinfo.
About Me: I am 31 years old, bisexual, and a single mother by choice (SMC).
Frequently Asked Questions:
What is a SMC?
SMC is a term designed to differentiate between women who become single mothers deliberately, and those who become single mothers by accident (via unplanned pregnancy, divorce, or death of a partner). A SMC is a woman who chooses to become pregnant (usually via donor sperm) while single.
Why did you become a SMC?
The short version:
I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I was raised by a SMC myself, and so it's likely that on some level I always suspected/expected that I would end up the same way -- although I never thought of it that way consciously. I always imagined myself meeting someone, settling down, and so forth. But in the spring of 2002, I realized that I was 28 years old and tired of waiting for Mr./Ms. Right to show up. I realized that aside from being single, I was "ready" to have a child in all other ways. I had recently left a stressful, unsatisfying job for a much more exciting and fulfilling one. I felt financially secure and had a good circle of friends, as well as the support of my mom, without whom nothing in my life has been possible. So, after much soul-searching, I decided to embark on the search for a sperm donor.
If you're interested in the longer version, you can read my angsty soul-searching posts from May 2002: one, two, three, four, five. They are friend-locked, so you'll need to be on my friend-list to view them.
So who's the father?
I prefer the term "sperm donor." The father of both my children is a man I met online at www.gayfamilyoptions.org, a website where you can post ads for sperm donors, surrogate mothers, coparents, and so forth. He is not gay himself but has deep empathy for the plight of lesbians and single gay/bi women who want to have kids. He had donated sperm to at least two other people/couples before me, and he also donates to the local sperm bank (which I considered a huge plus, because the sperm banks do extensive genetic screening and disease testing). After emailing with him at length and then meeting him in person, I decided to take the plunge. (It was only after I got pregnant that I discovered we had some friends in common!) We wrote up a contract, both signed it, and went from there.
The kids?
In Oct/Nov 2002, I succeeded in getting pregnant on the first month of trying with the aforementioned donor. (I had previously been trying for a few months with a different donor, a friend of a friend, without any luck.) On June 11, 2003, I gave birth to my son Isaac. (Isaac's Webpage)
In the spring of 2005, after much more soul-searching, I decided the time was right to start trying for a second baby. The same sperm donor was still available, and in July 2005, I got pregnant again on the second month of trying. At the time I write this, September 2005, I am almost twelve weeks pregnant and the due date for #2, nicknamed Cosmo, is April 12, 2006.
Details on the conception process?
The most detail I will provide in "public" is that it involved a sterile collection cup and a syringe. I am happy to go into more detail in a friend-locked post or email.
What are the terms of your contract with the donor?
It's a long contract filled with legalese, but it boils down to three main points:
a. We both agree that he is a sperm donor, not a father; his name will not be on the birth certificate, he has no paternal rights. He agrees never to attempt to get rights such as custody or acknowledgement of paternity.
b. We both agree that the child(ren) and all attendant financial responsibilities are mine alone. I agree never to attempt to get any money out of him.
c. He agrees to be available to talk to the child(ren) if desired; it is left to me to decide when the child is old enough to make that decision.
Isn't it hard being a single mom?
Of course. It is hard financially, emotionally, and physically. The costs of daycare are staggering (approx. one-third of my pretax income, with another third going to the mortgage, leaving the remaining third to cover all the other bills plus food and incidentals); emotionally there are many difficult moments when you just want someone else to wash the dishes or pay the bills for once so you won't have to deal with it; and often when you get sick you wish there were someone else around who would care for the child(ren) and bring you soup in bed. As every working mother does, I struggle with feelings of guilt over putting my child in daycare for many long hours, and over the fact that I'm often too tired on evenings and weekends to give him my full attention. But on the whole, it's very rewarding and worth all the struggle. I very much value being able to raise my child(ren) as I see fit, without having to argue or compromise with anyone else on important parenting decisions. I like the autonomy, and the closeness of the relationship that I have with my son. He is a wonderful child, happy and well-adjusted, independent but still loving, smart and funny. I would defy anyone to spend an hour with him and then say he has suffered from having a single parent.
I can't deny that I'm pretty nervous about adding a new baby to the mix, and how it will affect us financially as well as emotionally, but in the long run I think it'll be a good thing for all of us.
What will you tell your child(ren) about their father?
I plan to be open and honest, while tailoring my comments to their ages whenever they ask. For starters, I plan to say that their father is a very compassionate man who did a wonderful thing for us by helping us to become a family. (Cheesy, but true.) And then go from there based on age-appropriateness.
What will you say to others about the situation?
Generally speaking I am honest with others as well. I will say that I chose to become a mother and used a sperm donor. With people I don't know well, or with elderly relatives who can't necessarily grok the whole meeting people on the internet thing, I use a vague "he's a friend of a friend," which is true if not an accurate description of how I met him. With everyone else, I tell the truth, and anyone is free to judge as they see fit.
Other Questions!
Please feel free to ask, either in a comment here or in email (chlaal at livejournal dot com works fine). I am happy to answer anything and am extremely unlikely to be offended by your question, unless it's along the lines of "Are you aware that you're a horrible person?" or such.
About Me: I am 31 years old, bisexual, and a single mother by choice (SMC).
Frequently Asked Questions:
What is a SMC?
SMC is a term designed to differentiate between women who become single mothers deliberately, and those who become single mothers by accident (via unplanned pregnancy, divorce, or death of a partner). A SMC is a woman who chooses to become pregnant (usually via donor sperm) while single.
Why did you become a SMC?
The short version:
I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I was raised by a SMC myself, and so it's likely that on some level I always suspected/expected that I would end up the same way -- although I never thought of it that way consciously. I always imagined myself meeting someone, settling down, and so forth. But in the spring of 2002, I realized that I was 28 years old and tired of waiting for Mr./Ms. Right to show up. I realized that aside from being single, I was "ready" to have a child in all other ways. I had recently left a stressful, unsatisfying job for a much more exciting and fulfilling one. I felt financially secure and had a good circle of friends, as well as the support of my mom, without whom nothing in my life has been possible. So, after much soul-searching, I decided to embark on the search for a sperm donor.
If you're interested in the longer version, you can read my angsty soul-searching posts from May 2002: one, two, three, four, five. They are friend-locked, so you'll need to be on my friend-list to view them.
So who's the father?
I prefer the term "sperm donor." The father of both my children is a man I met online at www.gayfamilyoptions.org, a website where you can post ads for sperm donors, surrogate mothers, coparents, and so forth. He is not gay himself but has deep empathy for the plight of lesbians and single gay/bi women who want to have kids. He had donated sperm to at least two other people/couples before me, and he also donates to the local sperm bank (which I considered a huge plus, because the sperm banks do extensive genetic screening and disease testing). After emailing with him at length and then meeting him in person, I decided to take the plunge. (It was only after I got pregnant that I discovered we had some friends in common!) We wrote up a contract, both signed it, and went from there.
The kids?
In Oct/Nov 2002, I succeeded in getting pregnant on the first month of trying with the aforementioned donor. (I had previously been trying for a few months with a different donor, a friend of a friend, without any luck.) On June 11, 2003, I gave birth to my son Isaac. (Isaac's Webpage)
In the spring of 2005, after much more soul-searching, I decided the time was right to start trying for a second baby. The same sperm donor was still available, and in July 2005, I got pregnant again on the second month of trying. At the time I write this, September 2005, I am almost twelve weeks pregnant and the due date for #2, nicknamed Cosmo, is April 12, 2006.
Details on the conception process?
The most detail I will provide in "public" is that it involved a sterile collection cup and a syringe. I am happy to go into more detail in a friend-locked post or email.
What are the terms of your contract with the donor?
It's a long contract filled with legalese, but it boils down to three main points:
a. We both agree that he is a sperm donor, not a father; his name will not be on the birth certificate, he has no paternal rights. He agrees never to attempt to get rights such as custody or acknowledgement of paternity.
b. We both agree that the child(ren) and all attendant financial responsibilities are mine alone. I agree never to attempt to get any money out of him.
c. He agrees to be available to talk to the child(ren) if desired; it is left to me to decide when the child is old enough to make that decision.
Isn't it hard being a single mom?
Of course. It is hard financially, emotionally, and physically. The costs of daycare are staggering (approx. one-third of my pretax income, with another third going to the mortgage, leaving the remaining third to cover all the other bills plus food and incidentals); emotionally there are many difficult moments when you just want someone else to wash the dishes or pay the bills for once so you won't have to deal with it; and often when you get sick you wish there were someone else around who would care for the child(ren) and bring you soup in bed. As every working mother does, I struggle with feelings of guilt over putting my child in daycare for many long hours, and over the fact that I'm often too tired on evenings and weekends to give him my full attention. But on the whole, it's very rewarding and worth all the struggle. I very much value being able to raise my child(ren) as I see fit, without having to argue or compromise with anyone else on important parenting decisions. I like the autonomy, and the closeness of the relationship that I have with my son. He is a wonderful child, happy and well-adjusted, independent but still loving, smart and funny. I would defy anyone to spend an hour with him and then say he has suffered from having a single parent.
I can't deny that I'm pretty nervous about adding a new baby to the mix, and how it will affect us financially as well as emotionally, but in the long run I think it'll be a good thing for all of us.
What will you tell your child(ren) about their father?
I plan to be open and honest, while tailoring my comments to their ages whenever they ask. For starters, I plan to say that their father is a very compassionate man who did a wonderful thing for us by helping us to become a family. (Cheesy, but true.) And then go from there based on age-appropriateness.
What will you say to others about the situation?
Generally speaking I am honest with others as well. I will say that I chose to become a mother and used a sperm donor. With people I don't know well, or with elderly relatives who can't necessarily grok the whole meeting people on the internet thing, I use a vague "he's a friend of a friend," which is true if not an accurate description of how I met him. With everyone else, I tell the truth, and anyone is free to judge as they see fit.
Other Questions!
Please feel free to ask, either in a comment here or in email (chlaal at livejournal dot com works fine). I am happy to answer anything and am extremely unlikely to be offended by your question, unless it's along the lines of "Are you aware that you're a horrible person?" or such.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Hi there
Date: 2005-09-25 06:10 am (UTC)Hi there. I came across this post on a friend's flist, and wanted to say hi and wow and congratulations to you and your family. I've been giving a lot of thought to SMC-hood lately, though finances and life situations need to be settled before I think more seriously. So I was wondering if I could add you and follow along with your experiences?
(As an added bonus for me, I'm the aunt and full-time nanny to a 3.5 year old and will have brand-new niece/nephew on the scene in March, so I never get tired of adorable kid stories.)
Re: Hi there
Date: 2005-09-26 06:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-25 01:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-25 01:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-25 06:03 pm (UTC)I admire the soul searching that you did before becoming a SMC. So many people give little thought to the choice to becoming a parent. It's as if they don't put thought into it or they don't realize that it is a choice. Rather, they do what they think that they should (based on societal/others expectations).
One of the reasons I like being a voyeur of your LJ is that it's clear to me that you gave your choices a lot of thought, your honest about the difficulties that parents face, and you are doing the best you can everyday. And your best is very good! Isaac sounds like a luckly little kid (and soon, Cosmo will be a lucky little kid too).
no subject
Date: 2005-09-26 07:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-25 07:21 pm (UTC)Do you still see yourself with a large family (>2 kids, in my world view :) ), or do you think being a SMC will cause you to limit your family size?
Do you think you'll put your children in touch with any of their half-siblings?
I can't imagine doing this as a single parent. I'd be dead of exhaustion. :)
no subject
Date: 2005-09-25 07:26 pm (UTC)I would love to have lots of kids, but unless my financial and/or romantic situation changes dramatically, two will be it for me. I can't really imagine doing more than two by myself.
I doubt I'll make any effort to find the half-siblings, unless my child is really REALLY stuck on the idea ... no idea how the other parents would feel about that though.
"Dead of exhaustion" pretty much describes me today....
no subject
Date: 2005-09-25 10:45 pm (UTC)I considered a huge plus, because the sperm banks do extensive genetic screening and disease testing
Yes! I was amazed. They went through my blood sample with the biotechnical equivalent of a fine tooth comb and were even able to reconstruct my entire immunological history. The sample itself is checked, frozen, stored for six months and then rechecked.
They emphasised that the legal environment was being retrospectively changed by "children" (invariably older than we are) who are strengthening their legal hand. The upshot is that the anonymous donation is becoming a thing of the past and your situation therefore more the norm.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-26 07:03 pm (UTC)