the ogre in me

[mamajoan]

On a typical workday, I get one chunk of time to myself, and that's the little window that I carve out after Isaac goes to sleep but before I do. The entire rest of my day is taken up with either work, or mommying, or transitioning between those (i.e., in a sense you could say that the 15-20 minutes per day I spend driving from daycare to work and back is "me time," but it doesn't really count IMO). So, if Isaac goes to sleep at 9:30 and I want to be in bed by 10:30, that means that I get a total of one hour per day of "me time."

Is it so terribly wrong of me to NOT want to spend that precious bit of time catering to the needs of yet another being? Namely the cat?

I feel like the worst cat-mama in the world, but honestly, I can't stand it. Bini basically hides the whole time Isaac is awake. If he (Bini) is particularly hungry or needs to use the litterbox, he'll emerge to satisfy that need, and then go hide again. And as soon as Isaac goes down and I sit down at my computer to do some much-needed unwinding by catching up on email and LJ, maybe play a few mindless computer games -- Bini emerges, starts meowing for my attention, jumps on my lap and shoves his head into my hands, digs his claws into my legs, tries to push the keyboard off the desk, etc. etc. etc.

I know I should feel bad for him. I should feel guilty that he's so starved for affection and basically gets none. I do feel guilty. But I also just feel resentful, that I finally get my few minutes to relax and take some deep breaths and unwind, and then he comes along putting MORE demands on me. Why should I have to feel like such an ogre just because I want a few damn minutes to myself????

I don't know. I keep thinking that maybe I should try to find Bini another home. One where he'll actually get some attention, and not be constantly terrified/terrorized by a kid. (FWIW, Isaac hasn't tried to pull Bini's tail in ages. I posted about that problem a month or two ago, and it stopped being a problem not long after I posted it.) Bini is a highly-strung, neurotic cat and he really would do better with someone who had the time and energy to devote to him. But then of course I think, no one adopts 11-year-old cats with neuroses, and if I took him to a shelter, he would wind up being euthanized and that would just make me feel worse. (Okay, I might not know, but I would know.) I just don't know what to do.

I've thought about posting this many, many times in the past few months but never did because I think it makes me sound terrible. I am not a bad person! I feel so awful about it all. :(

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Oh, yes, and in case you're wondering, yes, you do know me. None of your friends will say these things to your face, so I'm the spokesman. Someone has to say them.

[thedivinegoat.livejournal.com]

You're not speaking for me.

[mamajoan.livejournal.com]

If you were really my friend, you wouldn't post this anonymously. If you were really my friend, you wouldn't call me a disgusting human being. You have the right to your opinion of me, but a friend would express it in a gentler fashion.

Of course, I note that you didn't actually say you are a friend of mine, just that I know you. If so, I'm ashamed to know such a coward as you. Put your name on this post, or your opinions are worthless. Hiding behind anonymity is a perfect way to get your words discounted.

Am I supposed to drive myself nuts now trying to figure out who you are? I can think of several people I know who might have written this, and none of them are people whose opinions I respect. I'll just think of you as Bob Hayes, and go on my merry way.

[hardcorewife.livejournal.com]

I usually don't post here -- but...

Dear Anonymous,
SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS.

I would say MORE, but I think that summarizes it up nicely.

[talonvaki.livejournal.com]

I have to say...It would never occur to me to get rid of a cat, children or no children. I mean, I might still have one at some point, and everyone will just have to learn to get along.

My two boys are 10 and 14, and I would no more think of getting rid of them than I would cutting off my thumbs. They do ask for attention when I'm on the computer...I pet them or they sit on my lap...

I have two friends (one in PA and one in Sweden) who have 1 year old boys and cats...I'm not sure what they do, but the kids adore the cats, and the cats like the boys.

[mamajoan.livejournal.com]

I would have said the same thing before I had a kid. I had the utmost disgust for people who give away their cats because they have kids. I vowed never to do that. But you know, things change. You don't really know how the cat will react to the kid or vice versa, nor how little energy you'll have, etc.

And I think this depends a lot on the cat's personality, among other things. Some cats would be fine with the amount of attention I have available right now (namely, a few minutes a day at most). Some cats would be less fearful of the child, and would come around for attention even when he was awake. I'm not trying to blame this on Bini, at least not entirely, but the plain fact is that he wants/needs more attention than I have to give right now.

And honestly, the only times I really think about giving Bini away are those late-night times when I'm exhausted and I just want a few damn minutes, and the instant it starts looking like I'm going to get them, he comes and gets in my face. And I only think about it in a desperation sort of way, because really I feel that I made a commitment to him and it would be horribly cruel to send him away now at his age.

[talonvaki.livejournal.com]

Well, I can't say what I'd do if I had a kid...all I'm saying is I know two people in similar situations who manage it. Then, too, they both have more than one cat (one couple has two, the other has four). The cats are all rescue/pound kitties and have somewhat skittish personalities, too.

I guess too, I see cat time as me time.

Havng known many cats and many toddlers, I AM sure what they do...

[(Anonymous)]

... have vivid imaginations!

Sorry, but my experience with cat-toddler interactions (which dates back to about 1969 through the present and includes cats ranging in age from kitten to elderly) is that the latter avoid the former, without exception.

However, as the children emerge from toddlerhood, the cats move from avoidance, through toleration, to affection.

Re: Havng known many cats and many toddlers, I AM sure what they do...

[talonvaki.livejournal.com]

My experience is similar (see icon), but I loved cats and always played nicely with them from as far back as I can remember.

I know my friends' cats are curious about the boys (just getting to toddler stage) but tend to keep a wary distance. Both boys adore cats (the one who lives in Sweden loves to watch them on TV and his mom finds him Quicktime movies online to watch), and as far as I know are gentle with them.

I know my cats' personalities, too. I have two Siamese and a Burmese. The older Siamese loves babies and is fascinated by the tiny people.

When I got the cats, I knew what I was getting into. They've moved with me from California to Georgia to Massachusetts, they've gone to the emergency vet and one has daily medication. If I had a child, we would all just cope with that as we have with everything else that's come up in the past 14 years since I got the oldest one (my first cat as an independent adult).

what would never occur to me

[(Anonymous)]

Who's talking about "getting rid of" the cat? Talking about finding the cat a better situation is not the same. And if I ever feel my children would truly be better off somewhere other than with me, I hope I would have the guts to let them go.

What would you do if allergies meant your pet was literally making your child sick? Sometimes choices are hard. What wouldn't occur to me is to put down anyone just for talking about a choice that she is NOT making!

Re: what would never occur to me

[talonvaki.livejournal.com]

I wasn't putting her down. Not a bit. I just wouldn't do that.

I am allergic to cats myself. There are ways to manage that.

[thedivinegoat.livejournal.com]

I totally understand where you're coming from, and anyone who criticises you for this post? Can go fuck themselves.

You need that time to yourself, to decompress, keep your mental balance, because if you don't? All three of you will suffer.

Much as some people would wish otherwise, as Mums, sometimes we have to put ourselves first for the good of our families.

PND really knocked me for six last year, and made me realise how truly hard being a Mum is, and anyone doing it on their own? Has my complete admiration.

So don't feel guilty for wanting to safeguard your mental health. Maybe you could just put out a few feelers to see if there was anyone willing to take on Bini?

(Sorry if this was a bit scattered, hopefully it made sense)

[aelf.livejournal.com]

I hope the negative comments you've received won't stop you from feeling like you can post this stuff. Because most of us understand this is a *momentary* feeling and most of us have felt all manner of horrible things in a momentary way.

I know what you mean about being tapped out. Sometimes when the dog wants tons of attention after I've just nursed Zoe to sleep, I just want to scream. So I hide, and then later I lavish attention on him and apologize. It does make me feel horrible though.

Sometimes I wonder if Zoe weren't still nursing if I'd feel this way. If I'm so protective of *me* and someone touching me in those rare moments when she's not around because I *can't* be protective against her. Because my body _is still_ hers and has been hers for over 2 years now and OH GOD WHEN WILL I GET IT BACK?!?!?!

*cough* Sorry. Didn't mean to make this about me. :)

I sympathise. It's very hard. (It took my cat approx. 2 years to adjust to the puppy when we got him. Hopefully Bini'll get more comfortable with Isaac as Isaac becomes more predictable!)

[cheryln.livejournal.com]

I hear you; while our cat was seldom home alone, for the last year I've simply had less time to sit still to read or watch TV, which was when my cat spent a lot of time in my lap. She spent a lot of time nipping at my ankles while I nursed, too, which didn't smooth the relationship any.

Bini is a highly-strung, neurotic cat

Then our solution probably wouldn't work for you, but I'll throw it out anyway: we got an additional cat.

My husband and I each owned one cat when we got married, and we moved them into the household at the same time, so it wasn't a case of one cat moving into another's territory. One of them died last year, a month or so after I had the baby. That makes it hard to tell whether the aggressiveness of the other one (Mojave) in seeking affection was simply that she got used to the baby and stopped resenting us and wanted to be friends again, or that she was bored.

About six weeks ago, we adopted another cat--younger and of the opposite sex. We were also careful to get a toddler-friendly one, who puts up with being bashed and having fur pulled and getting lots of kisses.

If Bini has never been around other cats, it's probably not optimum. (And there may be lots of other reasons why you'd prefer not to add another animal to your household.) But it really does seem like having a companion has reduced Mo's need to pester us incessantly.

sigh

[queenalia.livejournal.com]

sam just deleted my first attempt at a post. (ah, the irony)

which was basically: yeah, i'm havin issues with one of my cats at the moment, and if all the no-kill shelters within 10 miles weren't full, i might have let one of our cats go a month ago. (the one who pees when she's mad. i am tired of my things getting ruined because i dn't have enough energy to give her all the attention she wants. bleah.)

we have two, but they don't really play very well together, the non-pissy one is content to curl up against me while i nurse sam or sleep, and that's wonderful. the other one... wants More... when i don't feel like i have much left...

i totally agree with the other nursing mom (waves hi)-- the touching really gets to me, after a long day. owen will get home and i'll be like "i love you, don't touch me. take the child out for an hour. i'll be fine by then."... that's when i'm articulate.

when i'm not, i'll just thrust sam into his arms, run into the bedroom and hide under the covers.

...as far as your mom... jeez, i'm just jealous that she lives nearby and can watch isaac so much. wish my mom were... oh wait. hm. maybe i don't. (bangs head against mother issues) well, anyway...

breathe in, breathe out, buy some roses.

(works for me. ;)

[rainbow-goddess.livejournal.com]

Go to your phone book and see if you can find a listing for "animal rescue" groups. If there are any, contact them and ask if there are any no-kill shelters in your area. That way you could give up Bini without having to worry about him being euthanized because of his being an older cat. If you can't give him the attention he wants, it would be better to give him up, assuming you can do so without his having to be put to sleep.

[mamajoan.livejournal.com]

Oh, I know where the no-kill shelters are in this area. But the dirty little secret (which one of their staffers told me although he wasn't supposed to) is that when the no-kill shelters get overloaded, which happens very often, they send some of their animals to other shelters that have room ... which usually means the non-no-kill ones. So, even taking your pet to a no-kill shelter doesn't guarantee that he won't be euthanized, unless he's so adorable that he gets adopted right away. And Bini, being an older cat, would have pretty low odds of that. :(

[victoriacatlady.livejournal.com]

I have cats but no kids, as you know. And I still do get irritated at times when a cat wants affection when I want to do something else, like use the computer. It would be worse if I had as little me time as you do. Actually, I don't think I could survive on only an hour a day of me time. :-(