on rivers in egypt

[mamajoan]

In a way I feel like I'm ignoring the big elephant in the room, namely my lack of employment. I mean, in reality, I'm really not. I have an interview on Tuesday. And since the "termination" occurred on Wednesday, I told myself I could have till Monday before I had to dive into job-hunting for real. And anyway, what's one gonna do on a Saturday?

But when I was talking to H. the other day, and hearing how freaked he is, and thinking that he was laid off about ten days before I was, I started thinking maybe I *should* be as freaked as that. Or maybe I will be once ten days have passed. Or, I dunno. Am I acting like everything's the same when really everything is different?

But everything isn't different. To say that it was, would be to imply that my job *was* everything. How sad would that be? And I went to a movie with H. yesterday, a party tonight, have stuff to do tomorrow and Monday and Tuesday and Thursday and Friday and Saturday. I mean, I have a social life, is my point. The fact that I still have lots of stuff to do proves that my job *wasn't* my life. So everything *isn't* different and why should I act like it is?

But in some ways I was feeling like a leper, or an outcast. Especially when I met some newly-former coworkers for lunch on Thursday. They were fine, just like always, but subtly I felt like I was the bastard stepchild in the group all of a sudden. Like I'm wearing a scarlet U on my chest or something. So going to Jessie's not-birthday party was cool, because (among other things) people talked about being fired/laid off like it was a normal part of life, and that was oddly reassuring.

But I also keep thinking about what J. said after her car accident. She felt like she was almost coping too well. Like, she was upset and in pain and all that, but she kept thinking that the *real* emotional reaction, the meltdown, had yet to happen, and could happen at any moment, without warning. Like she was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel a little like that too; I keep wondering if there's a severe emotional breakdown in me somewhere, a bunch of "oh SHIT i have no job" weeping and moaning that could hit any time. I dunno. Does this indicate that we're out of touch with our feelings, unable to even feel the things we know we should feel? Or, conversely, that we're actually emotionally stronger than we think we are?

Comments

[azurelunatic]

Or, thirdly, less emotionally attached to job than the norm for "attached to job" is. Some people don't realize how much a job means to them until it's yoinked away from them...

[mamajoan.livejournal.com]

Well, right, of course. I mean, I think I'm pretty clear on how unhappy I was with the job. But even still, being unemployed is this big scary thing; one kind of feels like one should worry about it. I mean, if that weren't the case, I would have quit a long time ago, right?

[azurelunatic]

Hee, that's the big secret. You're supposed to be worried to death by the idea of unemployment; that's the incentive used to keep people in jobs they hate.

Now, if everybody were unemployed involuntarily at least once early on in their life, with no absolutely immediate worries about shelter, food, water, etc., ... heh. The implications of that could get interesting, and crap jobs would be far more worried.

Then, I may just be up far too late (no daylight savings time for me! I'm in Arizona!) and have read the Illuminatus! trilogy far too recently.

[mamajoan.livejournal.com]

Well, you definitely have a point there. It's the "with no immediate [financial] worries" part that makes the difference, of course. I've been unemployed before, but that was the borrowing-money-from-everyone-I-know-just-to-pay-the-rent kind, and it was awful. This time around I *do* have enough money for at least a couple of months.

Still, I know people with mroe skills than I have who've been looking for work for six months. The job market is bad lately. So I continue to waffle between worry and not-worry. :P

[azurelunatic]

Well, to paraphrase the words of Surak through Diane Duane, you've realized that the le-matya is cozied up to your favorite pillow in bed, and you're going to call Animal Control in the morning when their main offices open, and meanwhile you're snoozing on the couch. Perfectly aware of the situation, about to take steps, but the time is not quite yet right.

[wickdzoot.livejournal.com]

The answer to most of your questions is yes. And no.

Everybody processes in their own way and in their own time.

[mamajoan.livejournal.com]

Heh, thanks for the gentle whack upside the head. I know you're right, of course. It's just hard to avoid the feeling that there are ways you're "supposed to" react to such things.

[wickdzoot.livejournal.com]

Awww, I didn't mean it to be a whack at all! I've been in this unemployment swamp since our company closed in mid January, and as I kept telling one of my colleagues in a progressively strong tone, we all have to process the 'stuff' at our own pace. Some people panic immediately. Some people get numb. Some people stay confident and some people change careers. Ya just gotta do what ya gotta do.

[mamajoan.livejournal.com]

Aww. I know you didn't mean it as a whack, but I chose to take it that way. :) And whatever way you meant it, it was comforting, so, thanks. :)