ARGH ... Day starts out well, then rapidly descends into suckville

[mamajoan]

I feel so defeated right now. I am not a patient person. I am not handling this toddler shit very well.

The day started off pretty well. We get up, he refuses his yogurt but then eats it a little later, we play, we look out the window at the snow. Around 11:30 he naps for maybe 20 minutes in my lap after nursing while I sit thinking "Just another minute and I'll put him in the crib." Of course we never get that far because he wakes up.

Whatever, I know it's futile to try to get him to nap more, so I pack up a bunch of unwanted clothing (mostly mine) and we go out in the icky sleet and slush to get to the clothing swap chez mattlistener and watercolorblue and Brandi whose LJ-name I don't know (if she has one). We had a really good time at the clothing swap. We didn't get a whole lot of stuff, but I did score a pair of jeans and a flannel nightgown, so that was nice, and we socialized with a lot of cool people, and Isaac was really delightful, charming everyone and playing well with the other kids so I got a little adult-time in.

Then he starts getting fussy (and devours one of the hosts' bananas) so I figure I'll take him home and feed him and try to get him to nap again. We get home around 4:00, but he refuses to eat and starts in with the constant "more boob please!" despite having just nursed a whole bunch like half an hour ago. sigh.

And then it went way downhill. I alternate refusing him the boob and giving it to him, and finally I figure we might as well lie down and nurse because I'm so tired and maybe it'll get him to nap or at least rest a bit. So we lie down, and he nurses for literally four minutes -- while doing gymnastics all over me -- and then starts saying "down." SIGH. So I put him down, and I lie there dozing a bit for like fifteen minutes. I kept thinking "it's too quiet, I should find out what he's up to" but I was just too fricking tired to move my bones.

Finally he comes back in and starts AGAIN with the "more boob," so I take him back into bed and nurse. At this point I almost certainly should have refused, but I just wanted a few minutes of rest!!!!!!

So, naturally, we fall asleep. At 5:15. And wake up at 6:45. ARGH!

This is a disaster. If Isaac naps anytime after 5:00 he'll be up all night. Especially if he naps more than an hour. I know this. I knew this at 5:15 when I took him into the bed and nursed him. I knew it when I said to myself, "we'll just rest until 5:30 or so and then get up." I knew it was stupid, but I was so goddamn tired I did it anyway.

So. I wake up at 6:45 and go "oh shit." I start moving a bit to disengage from Isaac. He wakes up and starts crying pitifully. I engage cruel and heartless mode, get up out of bed and get him up as well. He cries and cries. I start to look for my glasses and can't find them. I can't remember taking them off before lying down, but figure I must have, because I never get into bed wearing my glasses. But they're not on the nightstand and not on the computer table. I start to suspect that I did leave them on the nightstand and Isaac made off with them while I was snoozing and he was roaming. I tell him we have to look for mama's glasses and start looking around despite his crying (and despite my blindness).

Then Isaac starts going "way da ga-ga" (where the glasses?) and goes over to the big paper bag we keep his Legos in. I look, and sure enough, there are my glasses, with one of the earpieces all bent out of shape. ARGH. So I manage to bend it back into shape, and Isaac starts crying again, and I just lost it. I started yelling at him that this is what happens when he doesn't FUCKING TAKE A FUCKING NAP and we're both REALLY FUCKING TIRED and we do STUPID FUCKING THINGS LIKE LEAVE OUR GODDAMN FUCKING GLASSES WHERE THE BABY CAN REACH THEM.

FUCK!!

So then naturally he starts crying even harder and I have to pick him up and comfort him even though I don't feel very comforting right at this particular moment. He asks for boob again, and I tell him that I know he's hungry and he needs to eat and what would he like? I start listing off the various things he likes to eat. No response. Finally he calms down a bit and says "noodles" and "fork." So I get up, carry him to the fridge, get out the noodles, carry them to the stove, put them in a pot, heat them up, transfer to a bowl, put Isaac in the high chair, put a bib on him, put his baby fork in the bowl. He watches this whole process while saying "noodles" in an excited tone numerous times.

So then, as the astute reader has already guessed, he refuses to eat the noodles. Starts crying again like he's being tortured. I say, "well then what do you want?" He says "juice." I give him juice. He whines and pushes it away. I explain, not patiently at all, that if he asks for a food and I give it to him and he doesn't eat it, he's not getting anything else. I take him out of the highchair and put him on the floor. He says "cracker." Like an idiot I give him a goldfish cracker. He eats it. I put him back in the highchair and give him more goldfish.

So then I make myself some french toast and also toast an english muffin (a very European meal) and offer Isaac some of both. He refuses the french toast but eats a few pieces of english muffin. He also drinks some milk and a lot of juice. Then he wants to get down so I put him down and he plays for a while, running back to me occasionally for another goldfish. Later in the evening I got him to eat some applesauce, although it was like pulling teeth. (I do think there's something going on with him, he's got a little bug or something, because if you notice the things he ate today were mostly all on the BRAT diet -- bananas, applesauce, and bread -- mild foods you eat when your tummy's upset. I wish I could say that knowledge makes me more patient with his fussing.)

And then, just because we weren't having a bad enough day already, in the middle of feeding him the applesauce, my elderly great-aunt calls to ask if I got the check she sent us as a random act of kindness a few months ago. Well, yes, I did get the check. I haven't deposited it because I wanted to send her some new pictures of Isaac, with a thank-you note, and I figured that if I cashed the check I would never send her the pictures, so I've been holding it for ransom to myself, so to speak. And yet even though I could REALLY use the money right now, I still haven't gotten around to getting some pictures together to send her, because I FUCKING SUCK. So I had to explain this to her, and just in case I didn't get the point, she says that she was sitting around worrying that maybe it got lost in the mail, and I humbly explain that it didn't get lost in the mail and that I FUCKING SUCK, and she says okay then and hangs up.

ARGH.

I FUCKING SUCK.

Now it's 9:15pm and Isaac shows no signs of tiredness. I think I'm going to give him a bath, just because, what the fuck, I may as well completely destroy any last shreds of sanity I might still have lying around. Plus he hasn't had a bath in like three weeks because -- say it with me now -- I FUCKING SUCK.

I hate today. I hate that it started out so well and I was feeling so good, and now I just feel like the worst crappiest excuse for a mother.

Comments

[azurelunatic]

Oh, argh.

That sounds like one of the days where you just need someone local who's a shoulder who's been though it all before so you can just yowl and beat your fists and they can hold you until you're all done.

*hugs*

[anotherjen.livejournal.com]

Wow, that all sounds quite familiar. (HUG) If you suck, you don't suck any more than anyone else. I bet a lot of us think we're supposed to be some kind of perfect Goddess-like, superstrong, all-knowing, infinitely patient beings when we become mothers (well, at least I did), but unfortunately we're still human. Please try to cut yourself more slack. And remember that this particular kind of stuff will get easier as he gets older. And, the thing that always reassures me, think "hey, s/he's got to sleep at some point." :-/

[emrinalexander.livejournal.com]

He's at the age where children, were they not inherently so cute, would cause even actual saints to want to toss them out the window on occasion. You're doing a wonderful job with your little boy, and don't ever think otherwise.

[mamajoan.livejournal.com]

yeah, or as my mom less delicately put it, "This is why people beat their children." Not that I ever would, but yeah.

Thanks for the support.

[sydb42.livejournal.com]

If it makes you feel any better, that day sounds familiar to me, like I've lived it once or twice (or more). Except the glasses part, I don't wear them. ;)

One day, I thought Roo went into her bedroom to play and I was happily enjoying the quiet time...until I realized that I was hearing her on the wrong side of the hallway. She had just spent 10 minutes or so alone in our bedroom with my husband's green sharpie marker.

Let's just say she spent 5 minutes in time out (at that time, she was getting a minute time out since she wasn't 2 yet, if I remember correctly) just so I could calm down (and yes, this is after I yelled and yelled at her about what a mess she made and how she's never allowed in our room alone, blah blah blah). Talk about a bad mommy moment. :(

I hope tomorrow is better for you.

[tiggrrl.livejournal.com]

Oh, sweetie, having now spent a few months observing, up close and personal, other people parenting toddlers (and serving as parental type myself) you are so very not alone in having these kind of days, or this kind of reaction to them.

You do not suck any more than anyone else attempting to deal with someone who can't yet express what they want, and with whom it is hard to communicate about actions and consequences rationally.

[ww1614.livejournal.com]

You do not suck. You have an 18 month old who is testing limits and who may also feel a bit sick. You think we haven't all been through this? We have! We just don't always talk about it. :)

Btw, just went I went to open this reply window, out of the corner of my eye who did I see tiptoeing in? Mr. E. He took a 3 hour nap and now, as of 10 pm, 2 hours past his normal bedtime, he's still not sleepy. Ken even brought him downstairs and gave him yogurt and changed his pajamas in case he was hungry/hot. But he's no longer in his crib, so he can get up and roam at will. He thought it was really funny till I told him to go look out the window. He did. I said what do you see? He said nothing. I said, "Dark. It's night time, and we go to bed at night time." Then I brought him back in to his room. Where he still is, for now....

(I'm so the bad-cop parent. I put up with as little shit as possible. Ken's the one who says, "Maybe' he's hungry!" I say, "Who cares? It's after 8 pm. He belongs in bed." :)

[retch.livejournal.com]

ok, to balance out all the other posters... you suck!

Wait, no you don't, you are silly. Overstressed apparently, but mostly silly. You are a wonderful mom, and some days things just don't work out right and that is life, but it doesn't sound like Isaac is upset, he certainly isn't harmed, and you are being a wonderful mommy. :) After all, you haven't put him in a Skinner box... :)

[mamajoan.livejournal.com]

LOL! thanks. :)

[rainbow-goddess.livejournal.com]

I have no experience of parenthood, but from the experience of being around parents of children Isaac's age it is my opinion that you are reacting completely normally and not suckily for a stressed-out parent, and being stressed-out is also not sucky; it's perfectly normal (as you probably would know yourself if you weren't totally stressed out and probably also very tired and feeling icky.)

Tomorrow is another day and you can start all over again and Isaac probably won't even remember that you were stressed out today.

[deepforestowl.livejournal.com]

ouch *hug* I hope the bath went better than the rest of the day. I don't have kids, but you know, sometimes we all have sucky days, parents and kids alike. Today is just one of them. It will get better soon.

[maggiesox.livejournal.com]

Oh, man. I wish I could send you some chardonnay...sounds like you need it.

You don't fucking suck.

[plaidder.livejournal.com]

Your relationship is changing because he's getting older, and neither of you likes it. That happens to everyone. It's not your fault.

You have to try to take the long view of it. OK, this day sucked, tomorrow is a different day and it'll probably be better. Every single thing that happens is not going to become something that determines his personality, fate, and level of happiness further down the road. It's all cumulative.

Toddlers and eating drive everyone crazy. I guess you just have to figure that although he is a toddler, he is also an organism with instincts, and he is not going to starve himself to death out of sheer contrariness. Eventually he's going to eat what he needs, he's just going to do it on his own damn time. There's no way to avoid the fussing and the tantrums and the I'm-doing-this-just-to-prove-I'm-not-you stubbornness. All you can do is try to set things up so that *you* don't go any crazier than you have to.

Good luck,

The Plaid Adder

Eep

[techn0goddess.livejournal.com]

Poor you. What an awful day. We're thinking about you and we sure hope you don't have another day like that anytime soon.

*big hugs*

[victoriacatlady.livejournal.com]

I don't think you fucking suck. What I do think is that you're fucking tired. So you make mistakes. That's what happens when you're tired, inevitably.