sleaze

[mamajoan]

I forgot to mention that the other day while I was at the service station with Isaac waiting for the guy to put the new tire on my car, another guy drove up to buy new wipers for his SUV. And when he came out of the station after paying for the wipers, he handed me a Tootsie Pop (which I presume he had just bought inside) and said to Isaac, "this isn't for you, it's for your mom."

WTF?? Is it me, or is that just really kind of creepy and weird? Like it's okay for *me* to take candy from strangers because I'm a grownup? Hello?

I threw the lollipop away. Odds are it was safe, but the wrappers on those things aren't exactly secure and I'm paranoid.

Comments

[lexcorp-hope.livejournal.com]

Gird yourself, 'cause that's going to happen a lot. Last week at a craft fair, I bought a little toy for my Wee, and the guy running the booth handed me a box of animal crackers with my change, and told Wee, "Don't let your mom eat those all at once!"

My theory is, guys want to coo over the cute baby as much as anybody else, but that just wouldn't be masculine, so they talk to the baby like a little grown-up and try to do something nice for the mom. It doesn't make it any less *weird* or offputting, but I think usually they're just trying to interact with the baby on a socially acceptable level.

[mamajoan.livejournal.com]

OK ... well, that's an angle that I hadn't considered and I guess I'll have to think about it, because my instinct is that I don't want to encourage that kind of behavior. I have to be more concerned with the message it sends my child than with the guy's intentions, you know? So he might actually be completely harmless and good-intentioned, but if I think it's sending a bad message to Isaac I'll still have to rebuff him.

Of course, in this particular case it doesn't really matter because Isaac was oblivious to the entire exchange, and he doesn't know what a lollipop is anyway. :)

[lexcorp-hope.livejournal.com]

Oh, it totally has to do with the message for your kid rather than his good intentions, I agree absolutely. I just wanted to warn you that 1) it will happen again and 2) they're probably not *trying* to come off as skeezy, even though that's exactly what you're doing. Dude! You have a chance to teach Issac that it's okay for men to think babies are interesting, and that if he wants to compliment a baby, he should just compliment the baby and move on. That is so cool!! (This subject makes me want to ramble, because when The Boy was in third grade, I brought his newborn sister to his class for show-and-tell and I was amazed, because the boys were *just* as interested in touching her hand and looking her over as the girls were, they were just a little more reticent about it.) Babble, babble, babble, I'll shut up now!

[lexcorp-hope.livejournal.com]

What *they're* doing, not what *you're* doing. Think, THEN type!

[mamajoan.livejournal.com]

OK, I gotcha now. You know, I have several male coworkers who have kids and love babies, and whenever I bring Isaac to the office they're all over him, fighting each other for the privilege of holding him ;) and all wanting to play with him and talk to him and stuff. There's even one guy who does that who doesn't have any kids of his own. So I guess I've just never encountered a guy who feels like he has to "disguise" his interest. Thanks for enlightening me! *g* The male psyche is so weird.

[mishaslair.livejournal.com]

That would creep me out, but I'm a cynical bitch.

[morgan-dhu.livejournal.com]

My first impression, and I could be wrong, because I wasn't there and didn't feel the actual vibes from this person, is that the guy was either trying to pick you up, or really, and innocently, wanted to give Isaac a treat.

See, if I wanted to give a kid something these days (and sometimes I do, and this is indeed more or less what I've done myself), I would hand it to the mother, and make sure the kid thought it was for the mother, for two reasons: I would not want the child to have to deal with the "presents from strangers" thing, and I also would not want to say in the child's presence that the present was for hir, so that there would be no chance of the kid doing an "I want it, it's mine" tantrum if the mother decided not to pass the present on to the child.

Some people would do something like this because they like giving kids things (with no hint of pedophilia), and others would likely do it because they think it's a good way to make an impression on the mother.

But I don't necessarily think it's something creepy, sleazy or weird.

[mamajoan.livejournal.com]

Well, that's an interesting way to look at it, and thanks for your perspective. To be honest, I didn't really get a super-creepy vibe from the guy, so it's certainly possible that he was trying to pick me up or trying to interact with the baby in a more socially acceptable way (as lexcorp_hope was saying above).

However, if someone wanted to give my child something but wasn't sure I would approve, I would rather that person simply say to me, "Is it okay if I give him a lollipop?" instead of giving me a lollipop to give him. I understand your reasoning and appreciate your good intentions, but I don't want to teach my kid that kind of misdirection. If you give me a lollipop but it's really for him, and later you give me, say, a box of chocolates for my birthday, how is he to understand that "THIS gift which you said was for mom is really for me, but THAT gift which you said was for mom really is for me"? The concept of gift-giving is hard enough for little kids to grasp without adding an extra layer of duplicity.

On the other hand, if you say "Is it okay for me to give him this?" then I have the option of saying "yes, go ahead," which tells my child that I trust you and the gift is okay to take (as opposed to other gifts from strangers that might occur when I'm not around). I also have the option of saying "no, he's not allowed to have lollipops," which tells him that gifts from you are okay in general, but also reinforces our rules on candy. Or if I think you're creepy and weird ;) then I can say, "no, he isn't allowed to take gifts from strangers," which reinforces that message for him, and then if you're a clueful stranger you say "okay, sorry," whereas if you're creepy and weird you say "okay then I'll give it to you instead" and I say "get lost, creep." ;)

[morgan-dhu.livejournal.com]

However, if someone wanted to give my child something but wasn't sure I would approve, I would rather that person simply say to me, "Is it okay if I give him a lollipop?" instead of giving me a lollipop to give him.

That's what I do if the child is out of earshot. I guess I've sort of been thinking more about the feelings of a kid who might be upset if sie gets the notion that sie's going to get a present of some sort than I have been about the point you make that asking you in the child's presence gives you a chance to reinforce your rules on acceptable gifts and acceptable givers.

If you give me a lollipop but it's really for him, and later you give me, say, a box of chocolates for my birthday, how is he to understand that "THIS gift which you said was for mom is really for me, but THAT gift which you said was for mom really is for me"?

I've always assumed that a parent who did choose to pass on a gift would say something to the child like "I'm not really interested in this gift, would you like it instead?" But what you say makes sense, too.

And it's such a very sad comment that these days, it's so problematic to work out the right way to try and say or do something nice for a child you don't know well without running the risk of making the child vulnerable to people who would have ulterior and evil motives for doing something like that.

[skreeky]

I do think it's a bit creepy, personally.
I think in the same situation, I would have used it to visibly set an example for Isaac (preferably after the guy left) by saying "We don't take gifts or candy from strangers, and we didn't know that man. That means I don't eat the lollipop he gave me. (*throw it away*)" on the principle that kids do what you do, not what you say.

This is not to say the guy really was shady - for example, Jon often tries to interact with little kids and babies in a way that I think is a bit creepy and that would probably have me calling in the cops as a parent. He talks to them and engages them in little games and making faces, and sometimes even running around (if we're at an Esplanade concert or something). I've tried to point out when this is making the parents uncomfortable and how bad it is to be teaching the kids that strange guys are good to play with, and he just doesn't get it. *sigh*