I can't even remember where I saw this, so I feel a little lame for that, but it was *somewhere* on lj fairly recently. A fanfic author was talking about how you feel when you go to the rec page of someone you respect, and you see people rec'd whose work you think is inferior to yours. And, correspondingly, how you feel when you read lots of rec pages and don't find yourself anywhere.
I was kind of relieved, I guess, to see someone else talking about this, although she mostly was talking about how embarrassed she is to feel that way (with which I
totally empathize). I know I can never be a BNF because I don't do all the bullshit that makes people like you, like prettifying my website and joining a zillion web-cliques and writing on discussion lists (although sometimes I wish I did have discussion lists for, like, Buffy and Smallville -- but I am on a buncha lists and it's already waaaay too much email, and I know I'd kill my poor wrists posting lengthy episode analyses). I often miss IRC and the days the whole XCG crowd used to spend hours IRCing merrily together, but if BNFs and their cronies are hangin' on IRC these days, I don't know where.
Anyway, uh, my point was that since I'll never be a BNF, I'll never be splattered all over a zillion people's rec pages, and every now and then I indulge in a bit of moping about that. 'Cause what is a fanfic writer if not a huge heapin' mass of insecurity (which really is what
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thamiris seemed to be saying in her posts that caused the whole big controversy that I'm trying really hard to stay away from)? I mean, we want, we need, we live for the adulation and affirmation of our peers. Feedback emails and lots of hits on our websites and comments in our ljs are great, but what could be better than seeing oneself on a rec page -- especially one belonging to someone whom one respects and who is respected by lots of other fen -- especially when the rec'er writes a long explanation of why one's story rocks?
And there's definitely an element of "But what about ME?" when I look at someone's rec page and they're talking about how great so-and-so's story is, especially if it's a story in a fandom that I write. It doesn't even matter whether I think the rec'ed story is good or not -- that's really irrelevant to the whole insecurity thing. Then I sit there fretting because I'm fairly sure my story is worthy of rec'ing, but to email someone and say "hey, read my story and see whether you wanna rec it" would be the height of tacky. Not to mention unforgivably needy. But those feelings are there anyway, and it's almost as if they're a dirty little secret and acknowledging them feels taboo. Which is why I was so glad to see whoever it was (damn, I wish I could remember!) talking about it in her lj.
Of course, in order to be rec'ed, you have to actually, like, write something. I realized too that I haven't posted my last BTVS story anywhere, except on my website and one small list, which might explain why I haven't gotten any feedback on it (or maybe it's just that it sucks, a possibility I'm quite willing to explore). But it's kind of sad when the main reason I want to finish a particular story is not that I want to write that particular story, but that I want others to *read* that story and rec it. It all goes back to what I was saying in Tham's journal, that I write as a form of exhibitionism. Not always. There are some stories I write just for me, and if other people like them too then that's cool. But with fanfic, it's much more often the exhibitionist thing.
I *am* glad that people do rec pages, though, and that there are lists like BetterBuffy and such. For one, it's a place I know I can go to find quality fic (sure, I won't always agree with the rec'er, but the odds are better), and for another, I guess, it's something to strive for. Plus I think it exemplifies the kind of democracy that I've always loved about the Internet: that everyone is entitled to write their stuff, even if it's crap; everyone is entitled to say which stuff they like and to post those opinions on their websites; and then people can decide for themselves whose opinion they respect. I like that, because it encourages higher quality, in a completely equitable way.
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