meta-journal

I was just over there reading tiggrrl 's latest entry (I hope I did that link right!) and she was talking about something that came up earlier today on AIM chat with another friend. Namely, why does one write in a journal?

I've tried several times over the years to keep regular diaries and it's never worked out. I always felt that the problem was I didn't really feel a need to write down my innermost thoughts. What's the point? I know what those thoughts are, and if no one's ever going to read them, why write them down? Plus, I've always been bad at establishing routines of the "do the same activity at the same time every day" type. My brain just doesn't like to be forced to work that way. (Some things I do at approximately the same time every day, e.g. sleep, but those happen naturally because I need them to happen then, not because I force them.)

Yet at the same time, the human being feels the need to express herself in words (or in some other concrete, not-just-inside-my-head way). Little things occur to you at odd times during the day that you feel a need to share with someone, even if no one cares, or is listening. I guess what it boils down to is that livejournal seems like the right synthesis of these things for me. In theory other people will be reading it, so it's not just silly talking-to-myself. On the other hand, it's free-form and without many rules; I don't have to feel obligated to write in it at the same time every day. I can write five times one day and none the next. (I know, that would hold true with a pen--and-paper diary too, but not in my head.)

And besides, it's in online format, all HTML-y and computer-y, which, let's face it, is the way I think these days. About pretty much everything. So it's got that working for it.

I guess in most ways it's an ego-stroke. To pour out whatever's in my brain at that moment, and think someone will give a crap? I'm probably not going to write about my really deepest, darkest thoughts and feelings here, so in a way it's all pretty shallow. But hey, a grrl needs to give herself permission to be shallow every now and then, I guess.

Along similar lines, I was thinking about my writing last night. It's been so long since I wrote (i.e. finished) something that wasn't fan fiction. Not that there's necessarily anything wrong with that, but I feel like (or I felt like, at almost 1 AM, which is always a bad time for me to make big life-altering decisions) too much of what I write is self-indulgent and therefore pretentious. I do feel like my most recent piece (Buffy the Vampire Slayer smut called Melt Away) was more than that; it had something to say. But I get so many urges to write what I'm now going to call Self-Indulgent Crap (sic)(I crack me up) that in some ways maybe it's not even healthy, let alone a good use of my time. I'll have to think about that some more.

And on that note, maybe I'll get a teeny tiny little bit of work done now! Or maybe not. Wouldn't want to do anything rash. ;)